The Mentor-Mentee Relationship
The Mentor-Mentee Relationship
I have been fortunate to have met several mentors/ teachers in my life. The most important thing I can share is, through their actions, a mentor shows you how to succeed and fail. If you know where you want to go and are willing to put in the work, they MAY be helpful. Often times we place the hero complex on our mentors forgetting they are human. They cannot live up to the superhero mentality. The ideal mentor displays passion for the art while showing compassion for you while focusing on your goals. They highlight and encourage you to push beyond your perceived limitations and sometimes, hold you back to solidify foundational skills. This is deemed the slingshot effect. Why? Solidifying skills prepares you for advanced opportunities. Unfortunately, it doesn’t always work like this. This post will help you find the right mentor for your personal goals while showing you three types of mentors that can have a lasting effect.
A mentor shows you how to succeed and fail
I have had teachers range from hardworking, to numbly sitting on laurels. Which one do you think I learned the most from? Both actually.
The Numb Mentor
Let’s start with the awful. Mentors who are numb. Numb mentors sit around, sit while they teach all the time, are bitter, talk poorly about others, pit students against each other, neglect their craft through lack of practicing, and poor performances. These kinds of mentors fail to take care of themselves. They take their frustrations out on their mentees, talk about themselves too much, encourage dependence instead of self-reliance. Simply put, they lost their vitality and probably feel insecure.
The very thing that may have attracted you to them are what they themselves have lost. If you are in a situation with a numb mentor
Have compassion. Mentors are human beings with their own issues.
Remember your own goals.
Think about how can you grow from this situation. Unfortunately, I have met professors like this. I learned, during that time, to keep my head down and focus on my goals. I learned exactly what works and what doesn’t work. I have also learned empathy for all levels of musicians.
If you don’t bond with your mentor, write find 5-10 things you can learn from the experience.
The Passionate Mentor
I am not sure I would have cherished the passionate mentors who taught me about success as much if I did not experience the negative. Successful mentors exhibit a disciplined life as well as the desire to find ways to keep their passion ignited. Although they achieved high success in their career, they still practiced every day thus allowing them to continue finding avenues for successful ventures. In addition to their career, they exercised, took care of their mental health, and focused on positive affirmations on a daily basis. These mentors were allowed to sit on their laurels but they, instead, continued to look for more opportunities and better themselves on a daily basis, leading a full life.
These healthy attributes spill over onto their students because they want their students to succeed in their own goals. They have compassion and suggestions when students are struggling. They encourage mentees to study, learn more and engage in meaningful conversations that help the mentee to grow in self reliance and education. Because they fill their own buckets, they encourage others to fill theirs. They also don’t let their personal life affect others. They encourage healthy relationships and share their love for their passion so mentees may have a fulfilling career passing down the knowledge gained with others.
Write down 20 things you want to learn (or have learned) from a disciplined mentor
Toxic Mentors
Whether you have a numb mentor or passionate mentor, make sure they have compassion and willingness to steer you towards your goals. Unfortunately, either can abuse their position ultimately crippling your own goals, passions, and self esteem.
The best advice I can give is to know your worth before approaching a mentor. If you don’t know your worth figure out your values, goals and build your self confidence first. This doesn’t mean become arrogant. You, the mentee, must remain open to the counsel of your mentor in order to get what you need. If you don’t know these things, you risk entering into a toxic mentor-mentee relationship. You risk getting hurt. Hurt that can last a lifetime, destroying your relationship with your passion.
If you, the mentee, don’t feel valued, or feel used for your mentor’s personal gains, these are signs you are in a toxic mentor-mentee relationship. Remember, they are human. They may have received the same treatment from their mentors and are passing it down to you. They may be unaware of their actions and dealing with their own insecurities. Take the knowledge you have learned and keep moving forward. You are responsible for your health. You are responsible for your goals and aspirations. Be inspired and aware. You are worthy of a healthy relationship with your mentor and your craft.
You may not realize it, but you also have a responsibility in your relationship with your mentor. Seek to have healthy relationships by figuring out your goals and values to build your self confidence then look for a mentor to help you work towards your goals. As you look for a mentor, use the following questions adapted from The Dream Life book by Kiki. K to help guide you.
Steps to Find the Right Mentor for You
Write down your topics and interests you want to grow in.
Who do you want to meet? What kind of person do you want to meet? Find someone with qualities you admire (your local community, leaders, actors, musicians - look for a variety of instruments, family, friends, small business owners, teachers, professors…)
Why do you want to meet them?
What do you want to learn from them?
What would I get out of learning that from them?
How can you meet them? (In person, book, documentary, conference, performance…)
How will it impact your personal goals?
What do you need to do to attain your goal?
Write down several steps (break it all the way down to “google them”)
Start with step one
I hope this information helps you address your relationships with your mentor as well as help shape your relationships with your mentees. No matter your age and experience, you deserve healthy relationships.